Over 35 years (1989) have passed since you died and left this world. It still hurts when I think about how sad it makes me that I never got to know you, that I barely can remember you. It hurts so badly that I can`t remember the sound of your voice or the way you did anything. I really wish I knew you and what kind of person you were… I am nothing like mom… NOTHING… she is so down to earth and normal, conservative and straight headed, I even sometimes tell her that when she thinks one of my ideas is bad, that I know it is perfect for me and that I am going to do it because she thinks my ideas is horrible and I shouldn’t do it.
Today was a hard day… over 35 years later I still cry when I think about you and how sad I am that I never got to know you.
1989 was a different time. No WiFi, No social media, No SD Cards or digital pictures or videos, no we had 8mm film, you were lucky if homemade film had sound.
Through my son I have witnessed personality traits that are to 100% his father, things that boy could have never been taught…. For example, my son hates Picasso, as he put it „it isn’t perfect.“ He said the same thing about a sweater I bought him with dinosaur print that looked like the ink was dripping down. My kid makes me follow the rules and took away my ice cream the other day. He told me I ate too unhealthy and I can not have any until tomorrow. I will link that video here:______
I didn`t know that we inherit personality traits from our parents. I didn’t realize the human genome project had been completed and had not followed up on this type of research since the late 90s, but I saw all of it in my son, without knowing how true this was. But the thing is if I am NOTHING LIKE MOM, then I am EVERYTHING LIKE YOU. I just wish with all my heart I knew what that was, who you were. I hate that I know close to nothing about your mind.
I am so strange, I am so odd, I do nothing the way a normal person does anything, and I hate that I know nothing about the person who makes up more than 50% of my genetically preprogrammed sides of my personality.
Why am I so different, than everyone else Daddy? WHY?
Is it you or is it the result of my 35-year based believe that I have some kind of God-Given-Destiny? Am I the result of unknowingly manifesting on an idea for over 35 years and never questioning it as a Childhood Trauma Coping Mechanism until last year or am I just like you? Because if I had to self-diagnose myself, I would go for: Suffers from an untreated, Childhood Trauma, mixed with borderline personality disorder, on top of a mild case of split personality disorder….
Does that sound like you Daddy, or did I pick this up through environmental influences??? Damn it Daddy, I would so love to ask you 1000s of questions and to tell you about the extreme type of personality I grew up to be and the one I see my Speedy-B as being and becoming.
…. I really hate that I don`t remember you, because I was too young to remember you, and since I fear a similar fate for my child… this will be the piece of my me that I leave behind for him.
