To my dearest Speedy-B,
There are a million things I would like to tell you but fear I will never have the time to do so, because I fear an early death, like that of my father since I was young. The sad truth is that my fear of something may one day be the reason why it came true. because I feared an early death, I made early death health choices like starting to smoke at a very early age. Ultimately making my fear my real-life reflection of my reality.
To be honest kid, I got so much I want to say to you, I am not sure exactly where to start.
Your mommy is a strange and unusual being and everything that I know about My Me seems to be the extreme of the extreme. I don’t try to be extreme, I just am and it doesn’t really matter what it is I am doing, it seems to be the extreme version of the way anyone would do anything.
I don’t know why I am the way I am, but I like to think that I am the result of what happens when someone fails to recognize the difference between a God-Given-Destiny and a PTSD induced coping mechanism, I believe I developed as early as the age of 6.
The fun part about this realization that I first made at the age of 40, that my believed God-Given-Destiny may be the result of untreated trauma I had from my father dying when I was 6 and he was 39, is that if you believe in science, if you believe in the power of manifestation, if you believe in the power of prayer, I think I might actually have created my adult self as the super hero, crazy, sexy, cool personality that I wanted myself to be as a small child, as I told myself that I was meant to save the world one day, so that I would feel strong, as I felt so weak as a small child, not understanding why my father was dead.
I would tell myself things like everything happens for a reason, and things are meant to be this way, that if I really had a God-Given-Destiny that this is the way that things were meant to be, and the only way that they could be, should there be such a thing as a God-Given-Destiny. Because here is a fun truth about believing in a God-Given-Destiny, if you really have one, it doesn’t matter what you do, you can jump up and down, you can go left or right, or just say fuck it I will do nothing tonight, as long as you believe in that God-Given-Destiny it will become your truth.
But here is my truth about that, I am too science based to with all of my heart believe in a God-Given-Destiny, so I would like to call it something else… the end phase of a over 35 year manifestation. To be honest I am not sure I really believe in a persons ability to manifest anything, but damn that science keeps repeating and repeating itself and it makes it hard not to believe in my own beliefs.
So what do I believe.
Let me start this with, if you don’t know I was called a “Gifted Child” at the age 8, I tested overly good in math, plus was high in others. Which is why you are so good at it now, why you mastered the concept of counting, as seen in a video I have of you, before you were 3 and why before the age of 5 you had a tested IQ, in German, not your strong language, of 114.
Math was always my subject and if I wasn’t so into doing dumb things in a smart way, I would have been a great quantum physicist, as is I love the topic and have been falling asleep to YouTube videos about the topic for well over 15 years of my life and for me only one theory makes sense mathematically and that is the simulation theory.
Yes kid, your mommy sees life and everything that we know about it as some kind of very elaborate video game, but here is the crazy thing about a video game. As you know, in a video game, anything is possible. Demons, vampires, elves, fairies, the war between heaven and hell can all exist, theoretically in a video game. So when asked the question what do I believe, I believe in everything where at least 1 million people on this planet also believe in, because who am I to doubt anything that at least 1 million people on this planet also believe in.
So yes somewhere in me. I believe in vampires, because I met a guy who believed he met one at a club in Berlin. I believe the logical explanation is that he probably met someone who was into that vampire fad where people would shave their teeth or do fang add ons to their existing ones, but the side of me that believes this has got to be a simulation believes in his belief enough to be very observant next time I find myself in Berlin, because I don’t want my disbelief to be the thing that gets me killed one day.
I however don’t believe that vampires are bad, should the be existing. I honestly would like to meet one one day if I could. I believe our fears over things like vampires and aliens lie on the fact that we have never gotten to know one. I imagine myself being famous one day and doing a bit on an interview with a vampire, but we are really doing an interview with a real life vampire, to show he has feelings too, that he desires a date, that we don’t crave blood and live forever after being bit, me example taken.
We fear things in life because we don’t know about it, we are afraid of the mystery and the odd, strange and unusual are the things people tend to run from. Kid that is not your mommy. I am not afraid of spiders, dark holes, getting dirty, or creepy abandoned buildings. I actually really like all those things.
I was taught very early to face my fears, to explore and discover the things that scared me, because every book, and story teaches us that if we look at the things that go bump in the night, we will soon learn that they are not as scary as our brain makes them out to be.
I don’t fear much and usually face every fear I have ever had and now it is time to face my last two fears that I can currently name for myself. My fear of success and My fear of the What if… First what is the what if. The What if is that question that everyone probably asks themselves… What if I did this or that, what if I took that opportunity, took that risk, what if I took a chance? This way always the questions that I didn’t want to ask my self and this time I don’t want to be asking myself what if I was right. What if I really manifested myself into being crazy, sexy, cool enough to be the face capable of influencing the human race to be a kinder, happier and safer place? I don’t know if I really did what I think I can do or if I ever will do it. I just know I got a lot I want to tell my kid. So lets start telling it.
Kid your mommy is smart, but parallel very naïve and I do very stupid things, but usually in a very smart way, I know you will know exactly what that means one day and I came up with an absolutely brilliant, parallel absurd plan, or list of plans I should say in which I could save the world one day.
